So, we went to Firehouse Subs for dinner the last night. We tried to take advantage of the kids meal deal, but were disappointed to realize that we had read the sign wrong. The deal wasn’t for every night – just Tuesday night. Oh, well. We decided to go ahead and eat – my wife and I would just share a sandwich – and I updated the web site listings while she ordered food.

As I mentioned, Firehouse Subs has a large assortment of hot sauces that you can put on your sandwich. Now, I love me some hot pepper sauce – I prefer Tabasco® Habanero Sauce. Having no fear of any hot sauce that has ever touched my lips, I generally brag that if I’m not crying, it’s not hot enough. I often go to Pluckers and get the Fire in the Hole sauce (the hottest thing they serve) and love it. Today, I am a humbler man.

I looked over the display of hot sauces with a discerning eye. I had tried a number of them already. The Mad Dog Inferno caught my eye. It looked like a thick A1-type sauce that also reminded me of Pick-a-Peppa sauce. I love Pick-a-Peppa, so I figured I’d give it a try. Firehouse provides little plastic cups so that you can take about 1 ounce worth of sauce back to your table. I loaded up and went to sit down.

Without a care in the world, I poured about 1/2 an ounce onto half of my sandwich. With my mouth watering, I eagerly took that fateful bite. Immediately, I realized that I had made a mistake. My eyes watered – but not enough to actually cry – and I began to sweat profusely. I wished that I could pass out and not feel the pain. I hadn’t even swallowed my first bite. Clumsily, I reached for a napkin to mop the sweat – my finger unwittingly grazing the half empty cup of sauce. As the napkin passed over my face, I realized my second mistake.

Now, my eyes were stinging! Sweet Pete! I had maced myself! Now, my eyes burned and could barely see out of my left eye. I still hadn’t swallowed the first bite. I gulped it down and ran to the bathroom. Thankfully, it wasn’t too bad and I returned to my feast of pain. I hesitantly took the second bite thinking “What doesn’t kill me…”. I wanted to die.

This wasn’t like the normal, fun, spankies in the mouth that I like. No. Mistress Mad Dog had brought out the cat-o-nine-tails and I forgot the safe word!

I quickly grabbed the soda. I knew it wouldn’t help much, but at least it was cold and soothing. I sucked down the full 20 oz and plowed into another bite. And another. And another. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears and the room was spinning a little. I went to grab the soda, but it wasn’t there. I looked around frantically, but it was nowhere to be found. Then, bleary-eyed, I was finally able to see across the room where my wife was refilling my drink. My mind screamed – no, no, no! My only safety net gone! How long does it take to refill a drink?!! I just knew I was dying, but I kept eating until I finally reached the last of the sandwich with hot sauce on it.

My wife finally came back with the drink. I snatched it out of her hand before it even hit the table and slowly sipped on it until the pain subsided. Slowly, the room stopped spinning and the drummer in my ears took a break. I savored the remaining half of my sandwich – without pepper sauce – and gingerly polished off my jalapeño chips.

All in all, it was a pretty good meal.